Me and Men
Men. I thought the world had hardly any good ones in it. My assessment was that men were abusers of power, full of themselves, and sexual beings who were out to use woman. (And let's be real, some are.) I don't think I realized how I thought of men. I just knew most males made me feel uncomfortable and the ones that didn't stood out. I'd wonder, where does that type of man come from?
It's only been within the last 5 years that I've been comfortable around men. Even as I type, I'm thinking it's probably fewer than that. I can't remember exactly when everything changed for me; I just know that I used to want to crawl out of my skin around men and get away. I remember as a young girl a family friend just wanting to give me a friendly kiss on the cheek or a hug and I would always shy away from it. He was coming from a place of friendship and purity but I just was so uncomfortable with it that I stood out to him as someone who never liked that affection. It’s true, I didn’t like it at all and I had no idea why. But now I actually enjoy being with the men in my world. I am comfortable giving long, friendly hugs. I meet amazing people everywhere I go and men are no exception!
Even the males that just give me attention because I'm a good lookin' woman don't scare me. I am still perturbed by them, but not at all to the same degree because I feel confident and powerful. I don’t feel timid and afraid. I feel in control. They won't get what I don't give them. Unfortunately I used to feel the opposite. I was afraid they'd get whatever they wanted even if I didn't want to give it.
Why had I concluded that? Where did it all begin? I had no idea until I was 18… I was attending a conference that would help with the crisis coaching I was beginning. One of the speakers, a Licensed Professional Counselor, covered the topic of abuse. As she began to speak on sexual abuse, for the first time ever, I actually sat there considering that perhaps I had been sexually abused. I was astounded as I contemplated the idea. Astounded because I never considered that was what happened to me… Even the memories of what had been done to me were vague. I just knew my disdain for men and discomfort around them was strong.
As I let myself go back in time, the memories started to surface. The details of at least 2 relatives sexually assaulting me, and possibly a third, came to my mind. Many parts that are still vague.
What was perhaps hardest for me was remembering and acknowledging that there were other family members nearby who could have stepped in and stood up for me to stop the behavior. That isn't to say they saw all that was happening but they saw enough. It's not okay for a child to ask for something like that to stop and for no one to step in and help. For that matter, adults should also have people around them who will step in and speak up when they are being mistreated. I'm not talking about taking sides here. I'm talking about abuse being confronted!
I realize now that the people nearby me felt powerless too. Even though I felt powerless I still put up a fight! One time I remember running upstairs as I was being chased by the adult and locking myself in the bathroom. I wasn't gonna come out until he left me alone.
With another relative I enjoyed the attention. I was around 7 and he was a teenager. That doesn't make me at fault for what happened! It might seem clear in that instance that of course I wasn't to blame, but sometimes humanity starts twisting things, making statements or conclusions as if to say the victim is the reason the abuse happens. I'm wanting to point out the absurdity of that.
We, as people, have free-choice. We can choose to abuse someone or not. We may feel powerless even as the abuser to change behavior, but it doesn’t make us powerless. I felt powerless, but I was still powerful. I just couldn’t see myself from that perspective because what happened made me feel helpless.
So when did it all begin to change? Even though I don't fully know, I do remember my husband mentioning something to me about not all men being the way I categorized them. He said that not all men had ill intentions and I started to think maybe I was misjudging some. It was shocking to think that some men in the world would be genuine and actually safe. I wasn't so sure…. But it sent me on a journey to discover. Why did I view men in such a negative way? How had that belief formed? What could I do to give them more of a chance.
It started with those questions and a willingness to search within myself. It continued with a deliberate choice to embrace who I was and learn to love that girl. In embracing my true self I found I was actually really powerful and confident. I discovered a fresh love for ME! I searched for more inner healing and came upon light and love in deeper ways as I plowed through that soil.
I also began to see into the depths of people's souls in a way that revealed the beauty within them! It's so much easier to think well of men when I can see who they really are. Often times a strong masculine ego is insecurity with a mask on. The world is full of strong, sensitive men. Sometimes sensitivity in a male is looked down upon as if it's not a good quality. I beg to differ! Men that know their masculinity, but also embrace the side of nurture are AMAZING men.
I proudly raise my son to enjoy cooking and baking just as much as he rocks at Parkour! It's already in him, I'm just letting it be exposed and cultivated. I don't drag him into the kitchen; he begs me to let him help bake. Equally, he loves climbing and jumping and doing stunts on his bike. Just as much as my son AJ is adventurous, daring and brave, he is sensitive and affectionate. He's an amazing little boy! I hope to always encourage him to be the beautiful male he is.
To all the men out there, I believe in you. I know you can be powerful men who carry sensitivity and tenderness right alongside the fierceness that you contain. Strength is never good when it's used to dominate. On the other hand, power used to enable and protect others is a beautiful gift to the world!
Photo credit: Nathan Shively
