Let's talk about how you can support yourself when you're actually in the conflict. Perhaps one of the most important things for the parentified child, the one who's learned to people please, is to have boundaries in place.

It can be uncomfortable to relax when you're used to being hypervigilant, when you're used to being the one in charge, the responsible, mature one. It can feel childish, silly, wrong to do these other things. But they are so necessary for survival, for thriving. You deserve to have a good time.

There's a time when we have to stand up from where we've been sitting, look ourselves in the mirror, literally or figuratively, and say, “I care about you and I'm here to help.”

A parentified child knows more of a give than a take. They know how to offer their support more than they know how to receive support. So when you show up in a relationship with your partner, you might be doing a lot more than you should be doing and you don't even realize it.

The goal is that you're in control of your decisions, that you have autonomy in this relationship, that it's no longer you having to act as the parent to your own parent.

You see, it's up to us to show people the real you, the real me. They won't know if they like you, if they don't know who you are. If we become the chameleon, we say the thing we think other people want us to say, we act in the way that we feel is appropriate or expected, and we never share our opinion. We never do what we would truly want to do - how expect people to like us? They don't even know who we are. It's only up to us if we will show up authentically. Nobody else can do that for us. 

Boundaries may feel like limitations at times. They may feel like ways to serve and protect ourself. Boundaries are a way to support ourselves. They're a way to come alongside and make sure we meet our own needs.

Can you be honest with yourself? If not, it's okay. Take time. Allow this process to take days, perhaps weeks, but be mindful of it. Not because you forgot, but because you're like deliberately reflecting and noticing yourself, the ways you interact, what you say, what you do behind closed doors.

You are in control of your decisions, your choices, even if it doesn't feel like you are. In childhood, you may have been forced to do something. No longer do you have to allow yourself to be forced to do something. You get to decide.

If you want to become more mindful about how you're doing, notice your physical sensations throughout the day and pause and breathe. Perhaps you want to deepen your connections and you want to start to notice more about other people. Whatever area it is for you, focus on that one area and slow down the process.

Look at your life, reflect and consider what are your values? What is important to you? Does your schedule, your lifestyle align with what you say your values are? So if your family is a high value to yours and you work all the time, then something isn't lining up.

If I know spending time together with my children over the summer is a goal of mine, then it might mean naturally I have to work fewer hours. I have to clear my schedule of certain activities.

If you're a people pleaser, it's gonna be really hard to start asking for what you need because you're so used to focusing on what everyone else needs and meeting their needs, but it's so important to be able to start to meet your own needs and that's by asking, asking for help... Because again, it's so lopsided already. You've been doing for other people way more than you've been doing for yourself.

I'm gonna bring up three keys for change. The first one is empowerment. No one can empower us but ourselves. People can come alongside us, they can offer us a hand. They can say, I'll go with you, I'll run with you, I'll walk with you. But nobody can make us do what only we can do. 

It was the darkest season that I had experienced in a very long time and it didn't end after I had my baby. It continued on for probably another couple years.Why it was extra difficult, more painful, and even darker than it might have otherwise been is because it was compounded grief I was feeling.

Self-compassion, if not learned, has to be cultivated. For many of us, we grow up in environments where there's a lot of criticism, there's a lot of judgment, and instead of the positive things being remarked on, it's the negative things that are brought up.

I had to face everything. And it was long. It was hard. It was painful, but I wouldn't trade who I am today or the process of what I went through for anything, because it made me who I am and I am breaking trauma and victim mentalities.

Before I started this journey…it's like a different person…I think one word that would sum it up would be fearful. Every decision I made was based on fear for myself, for my children, for my family.

Conscious parenting allows us to look within, allows us to consider what are the patterns that we have been living our life after. Do we want to continue those? Do we want to change those? We all have the ability to change whatever it is we want to change.

Self-parenting is the kindest, most generous and impactful act. Some of the ways you can start is by pausing throughout your days to notice yourself, to notice the sensations you feel in your body, perhaps the emotions, maybe the thoughts.