Grief and Growth
Loss is a very real thing. Many I know have lost someone or something they love this year. I have too. Acknowledging loss is key and not feeling like you need to be over your grief quickly is also very important. We all experience loss in one form or another. Certainly losing someone we love is always profound. There are also many other losses that are never acknowledged that take a big toll on us. You may have experienced a loss within a career or in a relationship; perhaps there's been a loss inside a dream you had for your life or with someone in your life. For all of this we must grieve.
Grief isn't easy. It sometimes takes longer than we wish. We can't put a time table on grief. We each walk that road differently and it can get tricky when we try to step in and speak into someone else's process. Always be sensitive. Be their advocate, not their bully. I know there are times I wished I could just get past something and not feel so stuck by it. There are times that something is holding up our healing and recovery which can be addressed to expedite our process, and there are other times that's just not the case. We must be kind to ourselves during the process.
Five years ago I got pregnant very unexpectedly. Evan and I had our first two babies within 17 months and during that time became foster parents to one of our nephews. I knew I had to give my body a break so we decided on a form of birth control that is more than 99% effective. Surprisingly, our little Laella is 4 years old now and wasn't going to be stopped by that birth control! I'm so glad I have my little girl but that pregnancy sent me into a dark place internally and months of survival afterwards kept me there. I was depressed and overwhelmed using all my strength to keep going. I was home all day with 3 under 3 and on top of it I was sick from pregnancy all 9 months. Here's what I didn't realize until a few months ago…
In 2015 my world felt like it was falling apart. I had to take care of 3 littles along with the other responsibilities of life, and still somehow manage my internal world to keep it in tact. I had already experienced that back in 2002 when my parents messy separation happened. I had helped hold my family together by staying with my mom, who at the time I hated being around, just so that my youngest brother and sister had another sibling with them. At the same time I was trying to help immensely with managing what was needed at my dad's house. There's so much more I could go into about that time but I'll leave that for another day.
I had managed to survive those years of hell back when I was a teenager, but now as an adult I felt like I was crumbling. Depression and anxiety were my close friends. I fought to survive while not understanding the point of life. That's also why I'm so glad to be living in my skin today. It feels absolutely different! I love life and myself. I feel free! It's not 100% of the time - everything isn't perfect - but it's way better. The hardest part is that I'm still fighting for the life I want to create. It hasn't come easily to me and how I still want to live isn’t some simple thing I'm walking out. I'm intentionally reaching for it and taking steps to get there. Many times that also involves emotional conversations and demands my vulnerability and courage.
What has been so liberating to realize is that the struggle that began with my 3rd pregnancy was actually compounded by my experiences years earlier. This is not exclusive to me. It's common. What we experience earlier in life can greatly effect us in our current circumstances and relationships. As I uncovered this truth I felt a weight lifted. All my big emotions and responses now made more sense and didn't feel so out of place anymore. I felt like it was years I was grieving; grieving the loss of not feeling stable and not enjoying some beautiful years with my kids and nephew because I was so overwhelmed. I've had to recognize that because I mothered my siblings and took on the role of caregiver and homemaker for years before I even had my own family it made my experience as a mother feel extra challenging. I was ready for a break, to be able to live for me and see my dreams come to be instead of always putting someone else's needs before mine. This internal war was compounded by Laella's shocking entrance into my world back in January of 2015. It caused me to wrestle within and fight for what I am seeing emerge from my life now. It created a strong discontent to erupt that hasn't been silenced! It has helped me find out how to flourish into a more beautiful version of myself. I'm raw and real and sometimes that stirs up a lot of ugly emotions for people. My goal is never to stir something up just to make your life more miserable. I passionately want to walk in a way that helps propel you in the direction you were always meant to go, as I also go that way. May the liberating winds of vulnerability and transparency refresh you!
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